I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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