The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
