it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize