cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
