i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
