One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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