According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
she pinky promised me she was 18
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
