Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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