I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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