are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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