you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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