apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
