you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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