i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
