why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
