So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize