i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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