I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
