just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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