I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
