I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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