you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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