He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
