before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
