i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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