Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize