So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
There are leaves in my underwear?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
