I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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