WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
