omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
