he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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