Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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