I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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