Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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