No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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