I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize