When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize