Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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