Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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