My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
