Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
