I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
