She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
