My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
