They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
You're my little dorito
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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