I can text with my tongue
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
