I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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