We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
