this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I could make wine with my vomit
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
