So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
