Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
