i don't like sucking hair
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
