You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
