Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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