I'm laying in your front yard are you home
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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