Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
