I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
