Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
