Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
