My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
