Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
